Falling leaves

What I’m up to
Sometimes when I’m really tired and wondering why, I realise that I bring this on myself. Perhaps if I crammed less living in, or didn’t always pursue such new experiences, or take on such enormous things, or make continuous Major Life Choices, I’d be less tired. But then, I also get bored and wonder about the point of life. I’m meant to live large; I just think fate forgot to make me independently wealthy so living large was a little less exhausting from balancing up against making a living…

That said, what have I been up to? Here are just a few highlights:

• Continuing to adjust to life as a business school lecturer. Just when I was starting to find some rhythm, the newest element arises: midterms, major assignments, and grading. My goodness, I love being in the classroom with my students and having such interesting discussions with them and fun exchanges, but the learning curve for switching from business world to teaching is about as intense as my learning curve going from being a freshly minted university graduate to the business world was!
• Finding a new place to live. Nothing was wrong with where I lived since moving here, but it no longer was working for what I need. (Example, the commute was quite long). Trying to find a new place to move into that fits my requirements and desires and budget was quite the experience, though! That said – I succeededl
• Moving out of one place and into a new one. It was a whirlwind move this month from my first apartment here into another, and a sharp reminder how quickly we accumulate things in life (or I do, anyways. Don’t ask my Mother what I was like as a child. It may scar you….). Moving is absolutely exhausting and I feel quite shattered from the process – but still some more unpacking/settling in to go. I absolutely love the new place, though! It makes me smile every day I wake up here so far.
• Language lessons. I’m out of the first “level” of classes and into the 2nd one, and I have never not wanted to continue classes more! I love learning languages, and Khmer is fascinating! That said, I’ve felt so overwhelmed and tired this past month that I really considered if this is something I was willing to keep doing right now. But honestly, since I am choosing to stay in this country, then I firmly think that right up there should be taking the time to actually learn the language – even if that means less time doing other activities or is a little less glamorous or shiny as the newness wears off and the hard work of memorisation begins. It is satisfying to be able to communicate incrementally better, though!

What I’m thinking about right now
I find myself missing the Autumn season a lot lately; getting out my favourite dark green cashmere sweater and black leather skirt with fleece-lined tights and knee-high boots and my paisley swirling Nepali scarf and cozy cap and walking out in the brisk air on damp brick sidewalks slick with already decaying leaves discarded from the gloriously changing trees. This was always the only season I truly loved since leaving the rainy/dry seasons of the Caribbean and now it is my second year away from it. (My goodness I miss it!!)

Similarly, I have now moved into my second home in Cambodia, and am on my second job here, and my second business visa.

These things make my decision to “Just come here for a little while” so very…solid. It’s not a small thing anymore, not that it ever really was. But it is undeniably not a small thing now.

I am here. I don’t know how long I will be here. I simply am here. But since I continue to make decisions that have me continuing to live here, continuing to root down further; I also have to decide – do I keep storing things in the States? Do I sell the rest of the things? Do I try to ship it here? (But am I ready to commit to staying here long enough to make a shipment at my cost worth it?) How long will I stay here? These are questions that make me very tired. I do not have answers for them yet

Some of my students asked me in class a week or two ago why I like it here; why I have been choosing to stay. So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that – and maybe I’ll share my thoughts on it in my next update. It’s certainly woven in right now to all the decisions past and present that I’m pondering.

Meanwhile, I was nominated to serve as a mentor in a new program launched by AmCham in Cambodia’s Women’s Committee, and it’s exciting to get to be part of giving back – and through an organisation whose branch in my hometown actually gave me my first ambition to become a businessperson.

Life is so full of beginnings and endings and when we think we find an ending, it’s merely a beginning but perhaps not of what we thought at that time. The mystery is thrilling and overwhelming at times, but also wondrous—and I’m glad of it.

This post is a snippet from a newsletter I originally published on Substack. You can read the complete publication there.