Disorientations and Reorientations

what i’m up to

This has been a very stay-at-home type week. I cannot go into the office because I have to have the booster. I haven’t been able (still) to get the booster. Most of my fun plans for the week got canceled either because someone wasn’t feeling well or I myself wasn’t feeling well. Work took more time and energy than anticipated and I *accomplished* less than I’d planned. But for all the canceled plans this week, I still enjoyed two spontaneous evenings full of friends, food, and lovely conversations.

I finally gave in and tried out Wordle, and as expected, I love it. I even managed to guess the word correctly on the 2nd try once, with just one letter to go on! (a pleasant boost to the week…)

One highlight this week again came out of work. I had a morning meeting that was fortunately bumped to 8am on my behalf from its original 7am time, following meetings the night before I had til 1:30 am… But the meeting itself was to prepare a staff member in the Philippines for a podcast on which she was invited in her work capacity to appear as a guest. My organisation works to address the online sexual exploitation of children (known as “OSEC”), and even though I am not one of the specialists working in that area of protection, I love that I get to bring in my communications expertise and be part of the work of preventing it and helping the child survivors and the leaders and therapists involved in their path to healing. I don’t know for sure when the podcast will air or just what will make the production cut, but we will be Episode 5 and you can tune in here. It will most likely go live on Tuesday this week.

what i’m thinking

I’ve not taken a lot of time this week for thinking beyond work, to be honest. When I had time, I was either sleeping, trying to figure out eating, spending time with friends, or escaping into books. But thoughts always churn away deep in my mind no matter what, and if I have to say what I’m thinking, it’s been primarily reflecting back. Things like, “We’re now in 2022 and the pandemic is still here.” My memories from 2020 on my phone, on Facebook – we knew by this time that year that the world was starting to shut down, but I don’t know anyone who expected that 2 years later it would still be such a controlling influence. People I haven’t seen in person for two years are showing up in digital memories as well as surfacing in my nightly dreams. Things I was excited about 2 years ago that never materialized are drifting through my mind. People who were alive two years ago and aren’t today.

And then a year ago, when I knew I’d be leaving the USA and the home I’d carefully built for seven years, and I was trying to figure out how to move in the middle of a pandemic, how to leave or say goodbye or see you later when no gatherings could be possible, when, would anyone even know I’m gone since there are no get-togethers anyway?

It’s a bit of reliving or replaying going on; a certain nostalgia that has risen up in me. Missing my creaky old bedroom and my 1200+ book collection even as I love the modern and tiled new flat and the lack of clutter surrounding me. Missing snow and fireplaces whilst also reveling in the familiarity of being back in a tropical world year-round for the first time since I was twelve and home was the Caribbean and Venezuela.

I moved to Cambodia for “six months to a year” and I’ve now passed that six-month marker. I love being here and am excited for whatever the next many months here and elsewhere hold, but I also miss being in close proximity – a quick bus or train ride away even in the pandemic – to family. I renewed my lease here and a few days later heard from a former landlord in DC, checking in, which was a bit disorienting. I got summoned for jury duty somehow and have to remind them I left DC almost a year (9 months) ago. I applied for a work visa to Australia with plans of going there earlier this month – but the visa only just came through and that trip is on hold (and who knows what will happen with COVID meanwhile). My business trip to the States next month got cancelled. My entire February is a blank slate because everything I had thought I’d be doing, everywhere I thought I’d be, disappeared from the horizon like a morning mist. It’s both disorienting and exciting. It’s a canvas full of unmaterialised possibilities. It leaves me asking, now what? What next? And the inevitable follow-up question I haven’t managed to answer yet: what do I even think I want?

All I know is a year ago I found myself resonating deeply with Elsa singing “Into the Unknown” and that is still my main refrain. But with things back up in the air a good bit, I’m also intentionally working hard to spend as much time in the present as I do imagining myself into a hundred and one different futures.

what i’m reading

Despite it being a crazy busy week, and perhaps because it was, I’ve somehow managed to read two light mystery books this past week. After finishing First They Killed My Father (review posted), I wanted something light and refreshing; something easy and distracting. With the craziness of the week, the easy reads became as much escapism as restoration and relaxation. I’m currently debating what to pick up next. Feel free to suggest away!

This post is a snippet from a newsletter I originally published on Substack. You can read the rest of the publication there.